This was my response to a question on switching roles during a scene on MyDungeonSpace.

Your question infers there might be an imbalance in the power dynamics within the person switching. That is something to consider.  In my opinion, staying in one role in a play session allows for coping with only one set of feelings. Having been in the unique position of being on both sides of the paddle, I found it less confusing to give up one side in order to enjoy the other and prefer doing that as a matter-of-course.

Having observed switches topping and bottoming in a short time-frame, say within the same scene, I concluded it was not easy for them to switch roles.  Partly because once they switched from top to bottom, they were perceived as bottoms beyond play and beyond the scene.   Secondly, there was an internal struggle on whether to give in to that desire or hold back.  More often than not, the dominant type switches remained in control of themselves while submitting. i.e. not fully submitting.

This my friends, is what I call the Switches’ Dilemma.

Acid Test for Dominants

Over at MyDungeonSpace, we see posts and blogs from newbie subs who want to know how to protect themselves when seeking out a Dominant. Often times, they are exposed to D/s online.

Acid Tests for Dominants. Copyright DrSpankenstein. All rights reserved.

Reprinted as a public service from “Submission and Coffee” BDSM podcast, with permission.

Podcast of Dollie reading The Acid test.

There are plenty of points to discuss in this article.

Basically, “it’s a good  common sense piece of writing,” as one of our frequent posters said before she disagreed with one of the caveats.

Part of my charm as a sadist is to do the unexpected.  So I LOOK for the unexpected.

The Tezzel™, a flogger disguised as a skin sweeper, is primarily designed for teasing and sensation play.  Each Tezzel™ is handmade in the USA and unique.  The luxurious tassels have a nice weight to them and can be silky soft or more textural for those that like rough things on their skin.  It’s also pretty enough to fit into your decor.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve forgotten to put away toys and had unexpected visitors.

I used this Tezzel™ on two people.

As you can see from the photo, the tassels are made of hemp rope cinched with black leather.  The wooden handle has a perfect grip.  The working end of the Tezzel™  is firm and comfortable to throw.

The first person got goosebumps all over her body as the scratchy ends swept across it.  The skin reddened within a few short minutes.  She squealed and arched her back when I swung the Tezzel™ harder for a change of pace.  

The second bottom appeared skeptical.  He stood there looking at it wondering WHAT the Tezzel™ would feel like.  He touched it, tried it on the chair, and then handed it back to me with a shrug.  Once I demonstrated it on him, his preconceptions were  shattered.  In fact, preconceptions of subs should be systematically shattered as a matter-of-course.

I have an opportunity to use it again next week. This time, I won’t be giving the person a preview. It will be worked into the scene.

Overall, the Tezzel™’s efficacy is deceptive due to the appearance. It’s a beautiful toy.  I’m going to order one custom made for me.  I’m going to ask her to surprise me.

Thanks Wolffie, for digging this up. I had forgotten about it. This was in response to a question on switching roles in play and is just MY opinion.

“I think coping is directly related to how intense the play session was. However, your question infers there might be an imbalance in the power dynamics within the switch himself. That is something to consider. Having observed switches topping and bottoming at the same play party, it was not that easy for them to switch out because once they performed in a role, they were perceived to be only in that role. Therefore, more often than not, the dominant switches remained in control of themselves while submitting. i.e. not fully submitting.  Having been in that situation, it was difficult for me to just having participated in intense S/m, then turning around to administer some paddling, flogging, etc. It was too hard for me to focus on doing it properly and I stopped, handing the instruments over to someone who was in more control. I was flying too high to be doing any topping at that time.  In summary, observing the others, I noted they tended to stay in one role, thereby coping with only one set of feelings. Having been in the unique position of being on both sides of the paddle, I had to give up one in order to cope with being the other.”

copyright Nikita

One of my moderators at MDS, Minofsin, posted a very provocative blog this evening about Dominants.   I’m posting it here because I really like it.  Sometimes I feel that being a dominant is sort of belonging to a really cool club with a bunch of cool people and everyone’s nodding that it’s all cool, except for those times when you just want to be.

Things Doms aren’t supposed to talk about.

by Minofsin

You don’t see many Dominants willing to discuss these things in public. One of the interesting things about the Roundtable program that is running here in Chicago and the MAsT meetings are the first times I have actually heard Dominants/Masters complain about the petty shit we aren’t supposed to mention anywhere else. Ok, maybe you hear complains, but it’s usually made in jest. But to hear other Dominants talk about their issues and their struggles not just with their relationships, but their own internal issues is refreshing.

We’re not alone.

But again, it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong, unless I was seriously forced to at gunpoint, I’d never give this lifestyle up. It completes me in a way few others do. But there are times when I want to pull out what little hair I have left and scream to the top of my lungs, “I’m tired of being a fucking Dominant.” Some days, I only want to deal with myself and nothing and no one else.

If saying that causes some to shake their head and think (because of course no one would have the balls to say it) that I am not a “twue Dom” or that I am a “wanna be Dom” (as a foolish and insipid former sub once referred to me) then so be it.

The reality is nothing is perfect. When I was reading that other blog I referenced earlier, it resonated with me on several levels. Because some of what she wrote has been told to me, personally. We all have off days and off moments when we doubt ourselves and what we are doing. It’s just the slaves and subs seem to be more honest and open about it.

While I have not had any such thoughts in a while, now and then it DOES happen. As I am learning, it’s natural. It’s part of the process. Even when I was happily married (for like those 5 or 6 days — LOL), there were times when I wanted to run away. I Love my son more than anything else on this planet, but there are times I’d like to drop kick his ass into the next garbage truck. Don’t even get me started on my mother.

As much pleasure as I get from all of this, from time to time it can be a bit much, and it is. Then, just as quickly as the frustration manifests, it goes away and the regularity of my life returns. Which is why I always say, don’t act out of anger. Because when that anger go away, the only thing you are left with is shit.

We build up these relationships to be some sort of Utopian vision of domestic bliss, when the reality is they are just like any other type of relationship. Yes, they are wonderful, but they can also make one’s ass itch. The itching, however, is temporary. But if it is consistent, then there are larger problems.

I think we all need to vent and purge now and then. I hope I don’t get kicked out of the Dom Club for saying any of this, but it needs to be said. Behind all the bravado and all the posturing is most likely a Dominant who sometimes gets just as frustrated as someone on the other end of it.

It’s called real life. Something I think many people could learn.

Hot and Sweet Confession

Announcing my bitch, pink twitch’s latest work.  It’s hot and sweet and semi-confessional from the mind of a man trying to come to terms with submission, his own need for submission.  He returns to his earliest memories of being a teenage boy caught masturbating while a make shift spreader bar is attached to his ankles.

From conception, it sparkles with creativity and is compelling in it’s execution; the piece is amazing. It speaks volumes on so many levels.  It’s like a good movie.  Each time I discover more, want to know more, and ponder on the revelations.

I love dicking with My pink bitch.   It’s especially fun when he’s not expecting it. His face is passive, almost expression-less when in My presence. He’s in a floaty state, My space. So I dick him. *insert big smile*

What happened? A temper tantrum

My Afternoon with a Dominatrix – Page 1 – The Daily Beast by David Goodwillie

As a writer and someone whose friends include dominatrices, this review of Whip Smart by Melissa Febos, piqued my interest and I’m going to buy the book because it sounds like a good read.

“I always savored the moment I told someone I was a dominatrix,” she explains. ” ~ Melissa Febos

However, something about this review irked me, maybe it was the reviewer’s choice of words, like ‘depravity,’

Did I enjoy hurting people? Sometimes. But not simply for the sake of their physical pain. I couldn’t fathom hurting someone who didn’t want it, but how many people get to experience the moral loophole of hurting someone who wants to be hurt?…As I crouched on that bathroom floor, held that man’s head beneath the water, I experienced a kind of transcendence. It was that utter alienation from self, a loosening of the glue that made my reality whole. It felt both horrific and triumphant. ~ Melissa Febos

Here’s what the reviewer said:

The raw descriptions of depravity can be astonishing—in the session detailed above, held in one of the dungeon’s “medical rooms” (complete with “examination tables, mirrored walls…proctoscopes and stethoscopes, rolling wheels with spikes and pincers, clamps, syringes, thermometers, tongue depressors…”),

To those who don’t understand the power dynamics in bdsm scenes, what happens during the course of one may sound depraved, perhaps even envisioning a dominatrix brutalizing a client then kicking him out after taking his money.   *shakes head* It’s NOT so.  It’s called consensual power exchange.

Is it a good review?  Yes and there are MORE good reviews.

WHIP SMART Trailer from Quailhead on Vimeo.

Grab a glass of pinot noir and have a listen to the life and times of a way cool groovy chic who happens to be a professional dominatrix, Domina Dea.

Here’s one part, taken from her profile, and the other is on the podcast on DungeonVoice.

I’m a former good girl with bad thoughts. I did well in school and was able to do the corporate gig for quite awhile until I couldn’t take pushing that boulder any more. Now I follow my passions by binding, tormenting, and humiliating subjects. I don’t suffer fools easily and demand a pound of flesh from those who cancel without notice. Of course sometimes I just want my pound of flesh. Most of the time I’m a high maintenance Diva, but then there are those moments when I like to slum it in dank bars filled with strippers. I am a highly educated, bipolar, bitch who loves to watch men take huge cocks up their ass when I’m not reading the Economist magazine. Hot women and successful men are turn-ons, but lowlife scum have their place in life too. While I will do initial sessions with most – to become a special pet you need to be something extreme. Mediocrity is the worst form of boredom.

To learn more, visit her blog, Domina Dea Speaks.

I want Stuart Weitzman ‘Dominate’ Platform Ankle Boot